Ninth in a series
Essay #1 Essay #2 Essay #3 Essay #4
Essay #5 Essay #6 Essay #7 Essay #8
Still with me? Thanks for hanging in there. I hope this one will be edifying to you.
I have said a lot about choices in these essays, because I believe that they define who we are. However, I have to admit sometimes we don’t have choices, per se.
There are those things that happen that are outside of our control and therefore outside our choices (to some extent). By and large, however, even those things still leave us with some choice that may or may not affect the course of events but will define who we are/were. But, yes, there are things that are bigger than our choices and sometimes our choices have no impact.
Then there are choices where the choice is not between good and bad, or positive and negative, but bad and bad. If we are lucky, sometimes the choice is between bad and worse and sometimes the choice is between to do something and not do something, neither of which will alter the outcome to you.
For example, if you fall off a cliff, you have the choice of screaming on the way down or not screaming. Unfortunately, neither choice will have much impact on the final result when you go splat at the bottom of the cliff.
Life, sadly, is like that. Sometimes things happen that we can’t control. Sometimes things happen that our choices can’t influence. However, sometimes, just sometimes, even in those situations, the choices we make do have impact on others and that does make a difference.
I can cite two examples, if I may.
First, as pointed out by dear wife, an embryo – which is a human being or at least a potential human being – has no voice in the choice of the mother on whether to have an abortion or not. The fetus/embryo just is not in any position to articulate its choice, which one suspects would be to choose life over death. However, the mother gets to make a choice and that choice does have an impact on the potential human being. Here, events outside the choice control of the individual impact that potential person’s fate.
The second would be the case of the soldier who falls on a grenade to save the lives of his buddies. In that case, the soldier has made a choice and that was to cover the grenade with his body in order to keep its shrapnel from killing his buddies. Now, nothing he is going to do is going to stop the grenade from going off and doing nothing probably is not going to save his life, either. However, by choosing to cover the grenade with his body, the soldier has made the choice to impact others’ lives in what, he hopes, will be a positive way (i.e. keeping those he cares about from harm or injury). His fellow soldiers did not choose the alternative for him, but his decision definitely altered their lives. In this case, they had no choice and probably would have not chosen to ask him to sacrifice his life that way.
In addition, you see, not all of our choices are between alternative A and alternative B. Sometimes our choices are between doing something and doing nothing. Often choosing not to do anything is a much more attractive option that to do something. Sometimes, the situation is reversed. However, we must remember that in some cases, there are no options, no choices to make.
It is in those situations, I think that we really define who we are as individuals. How we react when everything is beyond our control says more about us as a person than anything else. Fortunately, I suspect, we rarely realize we are in such circumstances.
Sometimes we are faced with so many choices, probably too many choices. That poses its own set of problems. So, we have to winnow those down to a manageable number.
I have in mind a situation that occurred shortly after my step-grandson had open heart surgery. He was in his bed in the hospital and the doctors wanted him to sit up, and if possible walk. Now, the problem was his choices were too many. He felt that since it would hurt if he sat up that the better choice was either not to sit up or to delay that option for as long as he could. When he refused to sit up … well we all know how stubborn young men can be. In frustration, certain people left the room, leaving Grandpa to step into the void.
I patiently explained to my grandson that in actuality he only had two choices, and both of them were going to hurt. There was nothing that he or I would do that would change that fact. I explained, since I too had a “zipper” scar on my chest, that I knew the pain he was facing and the fear that was gripping him. However, his choices were that he would try to sit up on his own, facing the fact that it was going to hurt, or that Grandpa was going to help him sit up, and it still was going to hurt. The other options, I told him, had been removed from the equation.
Now, I am not all that cold-hearted not to know the fear that was terrorizing him, but I knew the necessity of him taking the next step. Despite his protestations, I wrapped him in my arms and pulled him into a position sitting on the edge of the bed. And then I let him cry as I held him, because I too had known that terror and fear … and pain.
But I had made the choice for him. Did I leave him with any other choice? No, I eliminated those other options as much as any other outside force often eliminates the options we think we have. He survived the experience. I am not sure he knew how much it pained his grandfather to lift him up, but it had to be done. I hope he forgives me someday for making him hurt, even if the hurt was unavoidable.
For you see, I, too, had had to make choices. My choices were that I could have just sat back in the background and done nothing (which I seriously debated doing) or to step forward to offer my help, my intervention where the others had only met with rather loud and raucous protestations because of the fear of the pain and had opted to try to calm the boy by doing nothing.
I am not setting myself up as some saint here, just as a concerned grandparent who knew from experience the pain would be transitory and I had the strength to do what others had chosen not to do. I do not fault them at all. We all contribute what we can.
The whole point is that sometimes life or other outside forces make our choices for us. We have to deal with that reality. We can wail about its unfairness or its cruelty, but to what end? Life is what life is.
People often fear the pain or the inconvenience that comes with events, and often choices that they have made that have not resulted in outcomes they wanted or expected. There is nothing wrong with that. It is natural.
What defines us, however, is how we deal with those circumstances. Do we even think about the impact our choices will have on others, or do we rationalize them to the point that the impact seems inconsequential.
I ask that you take the time to think about that. Mull it over. It is not the easy choice. It is not the simple choice. But then, who ever said the life would be easy or simple. (If anyone did … they were lying their heads off).
I am not sure why, but from my vantage point, I always have viewed life as a challenge. Maybe because I have experienced so many reverses and unachieved expectations, wishes and desires, I have grown to accept them and look on them as opportunities. At least I can say I did have opportunities, even if I failed to achieve what I wanted or thought I needed.
Life is like that … and the choices we make define who we are.
Nuff said. Again, I hope I have left you with some food for thought.
No comments:
Post a Comment